Good afternoon thrill-seekers, I hope this finds you well. Unfortunately the Pheromoans are no longer playing the gig at Village Underground in London tonight as planned, as the headliners Foxygen have banned us from finishing the tour.
Their reason for taking this step was due to a paranoid theory developed by some of their session men, that someone from our band had either hidden, or stolen(!) some of their 'electrical cables.' As I wouldn't know an electrical cable from a Eagles cover band, I am a bit mystified by the whole affair. In our eight years on the rock circuit, we have never stood accused of stealing anything other than alcohol. And while I can't speak for the fellow members of my rock act, I for one have enough junk in my house as it is without adding someone elses musical equipment to it.
So anyway, once I was informed of this by their slightly sinister tour operator, I later received a message from someone calling himself 'Fort William.' Fort writes in quite a quaint, Sargeant Major-type tone, peppering his world weary wisdom about the pop world, with high-handed commands relating to some items that, in his mind, we had stashed away in a Manchester Premier Inn suite. Apparently something called a 'rock pedal' had been lost by one of the nine-piece's most prominent axe-grinders, no less (found it yet guys?)
'Howday Fort,' I replied, 'I realise you have a bee in the old bonnet regarding the way your lads keep losing their gizmos, but please do not accuse me of stealing, as I am a law abiding citizen.' Fort dismissed this as the typical words of a crook, and went to claim in his inimitable fashion (tissues at the ready now folks) that he was 'one of the only people in the world to care about the Pheromoans'! I must say this peculiar piece of information cheered me up no end, and has made the whole experience worthwhile. As the last two nights have not paid very well (I think some of their fans had got lost on the way to the venue), we were hoping that tonight's London hoedown would help to recoup some of the money we lost on travel and accommodation, but there you go.. if we have been able to contribute anything at all towards Fort and Foxygen's pursuit of the big time, then I can sleep soundly... no doubt while Fort drives around the Cadillac around his ranch, cackling and performing outrageous wheelspins, mentally adding up the dollars he has made from this tour, the Pheromoans on full blast...